Saturday, May 28, 2011

Fair is Foul and Foul is Funny.

Ever since I have started dating Lib, I have been surprised at what she thinks is funny, and not just funny, but hysterical. For such an intelligent girl, she merely nods with a curt recognition at the wittiest of comments, and says, "funny;" case in point:

In our first year of dating, I had drawn a couple of tapeworms desegmenting on my dry erase board in order to explain how they reproduce for some unknown reason, especially since I teach English. Lib came in and added an entire army of them at the end of the day, all in different colors, all raining down their segments on the eraser ledge like multicolored confetti. I, entirely off the cuff, made a comment about her "ticker tapeworm parade," and she grinned and said, "funny." Fast forward a couple of months to Route 18 where I referred to the traffic jam as "C#^t-lick traffic," and Lib laughed uncontrollably for ten minutes. I guess that's why she loves me: my propensity to swear like a poet.

Case in point:

Just after I was explaining this to coworkers the other day, Lib was riffling through some ancient vocabulary flashcards, asking us to define words like "insouciance", "prolix", and "promulgate." When she got to "bathos" we were stumped, until she said I was a master of this, to which I replied that I was a "master-batho." Lib ejaculated a short burst of laughter, but immediately composed herself, and commented on how perfect my comment was because bathos, it turns out is defined as " a sudden and ludicrous decent from the lofty to the absurd; profound to profane," which evidently tickled her penchant for profanity, but also satisfied her reserved and decorous appreciation for the witty.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Blood on the Rocks




Today, I expanded my rock climbing experience to actually climbing on real rocks as opposed to the fake rocks that I climb at the gym on a regular basis. Is it harder? Yes. Is it more fun? Yes. Is it scarier? Yes.

When I fall at the gym, I know that a six-inch-thick mat about eight feet long and four to five feet wide will catch me, and if I fall off that, I will fall on the floor beneath which is made up entirely of six inch mats...and, if I am upside-down on the overhang, I will land on an eighteen-inch mat. Outside, depending on how many people are around with pads, I have to fall on a three by five foot mat, six inches thick, that is on top of the hard, unforgiving earth, and often a rock jutting out of the ground just for spite. Granted, I have a spotter, but it is the spotters job to control the fall onto the mat, the hard slab of earth beneath. Since I was only climbing with my friend Tim today, we only had once crash pad; if we missed iy, we were screwed.

I started on an easy V2 called "Lazy Mayzie" and flashed it. No problem. Then I went to "The Lorax" a low but tricky and fun V4, and did pretty well for my first climb, but even after numerous attempts, could not stick the last hold; I was feeling confident, maybe even a bit elated, so we moved on.

We came across a creepy looking V2 called "Dislocator Roof,"which sounds very ominous, and it seemed easy enough, but the top out(where you climb to the top of the boulder to finish) seemed kind of tough because there was nothing to grab. But we set up shop to give it a whirl. Tim went first, and except for the last move topping out had no problem, so he just dropped to the crash pad to try again later.

I was next, and sent the climb easily...except for topping out of course. I breezed through the climb, found a great hold on the ledge, heal-hooked the top, and had most of my weight over, but had shifted to the right of the pad over a craggy outcropping of stone, and when I reached to use the texture of the rock, my body jolted, I heard a girl scream, my hands raked across the granite as a crystal sliced trough my thumb from the tip to the meaty lower half near the wrist, and I fell the twelve feet, fully expecting to land on a slab of granite, but Tim, the best spotter in the universe, guided my falling body directly onto the center of the mat; when I landed hard in the center of the pad, my first reaction was to pat him on the back and tell him what a great spotter he was, followed immediately by checking my blood-covered hand that was dripping all over the ground.


So I taped it up so I could climb the second half of the day. After trying another V4, "Andrew's Boulder Problem" to no avail, I was relegated to easier climbs, because I was tired, injured, and a little freaked out; I can't wait to go back...but maybe I'll invest in a crash pad to at least double our security or maybe I will buy five crash pads just to be safe.

These guys make it look easy and I wish I had thought to use the foot on "Dislocator Roof" like this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDCqL9_lpI8