I have decided to sing "Christmas Shoes" every day at work until Christmas just to annoy my coworkers. There is a clear division of those who support and sing along with me and those who scowl. This is one of those things that sounded like a great idea at the time, but three days into it, I'm not sure that I have the stamina. If I want to saturate the English Department with the song, I must be the fountain spewing forth the cloying, sentimental swill that is "Christmas Shoes", and as it becomes more stagnant with every day, I feel the ill effects of contamination. I may have committed myself to delving deep into the heart of darkness, and I am not sure that I will come out of this the same person who started this joke. I love you all.
Turkey: Five days out of seven. Two out of three meals today.
How come I've seen people eat ostrich eggs more times than I have seen people eat turkey eggs? Do turkey eggs even eggsist? Can you imagine turkey's giving live birth? Squealing, slimy, small and wiggly turkey babies.
ReplyDeleteDear Esoderica:
ReplyDeleteOn behalf of every school district - nay, every person in the country - I am issuing a cease and desist order against your use of the song "The Christmas Shoes" recorded by NEWSONG.
As you may recall, I have nothing against Jesus. In fact, this song may actually make Hell's A**hole pucker. In that sense, one could argue that you are doing a kindly service for the "good guys."
However, even as much as I love you, I would consider sucker-punching you after three days of exposure to this tune, all of your wily charms and masculinity notwithstanding.
Perhaps my opinion would change if I were to hear this song without having to view four guys standing around watching Fat Clooney sing. Somehow, though, I doubt it.
Regardless, best wishes to you and yours. I wish the English Department the best in weathering your storm, which has undoubtedly been instigated by some unspeakable horror committed against you. I pray for your endurance as well as your safety as you run the "Christmas Shoe" gauntlet.
Warmest regards from a frigid land,
Don Oso