A Ghost of a Chance

Why do I watch a paranormal research show every chance I get? I don't really know...well, maybe I do. I have always been intrigued by the idea of ghosts. During the day, I think it would be awesome to see a ghost, but during the night, especially when I'm alone--not so cool anymore. Maybe that is why I watch. Or maybe I watch because it is just bunch of mindless garbage that I would like to believe.

I would hate to see the ratio of hours of paranormal shows watched to semi-convincing seconds of footage. I would even wager that the ratio of something happening in a baseball game is higher, but who cares? Do ghosts exist? I don't know, but I'll watch.

What makes it even worse is that every network is jumping in on the game, and paranormal investigators are becoming as ubiquitous as reality television. Here is a breakdown of what I have seen so far, in no particular order.

Ghost Hunters: Semi-reliable, but no convincing evidence that cannot be faked; however, I have seen some cool clips--but also some shameful excuses for evidence: If you put a flashlight on the ground, off camera, tell a ghost to turn it on, and then act like it turned on and pan the camera down to it, there is something wrong. Even if it did happen, cut the clip for believability's sake. I can do a similar trick where I make my leg disappear behind a towel. But I give you the top spot, Jason and Grant, "great investigation"--fist pound.

Ghost Hunters International: JV team of Ghost Hunters Orig. They tired to get the same burly, trustworthy man's man for credibility,the kind of no-BS, "I'd have a beer with him" type, but they have failed to create the same veracity, limited as it may be. Also, how do you travel the ancient world and come up with less than the domestic team?

Ghost Hunters Academy: Steve, get over yourself. Tango, get over Steve. Do not watch. Once again, the Jersey girl was the biotch.

Ghost Adventures: Paranormal melodrama at it's finest. Zac is a spaz. I'm watching him right now, and I can't believe he is any more than a charlatan like the old lady at the fair with a tarot tent (that works out and gels her hair). Aaron, I almost believe your burly teddy-bearness...almost. Nick, good scared face when necessary. These guys get more evidence than any other show--I'll give you a guess why, and it's not their in-your-face provoking that does it. Watch the episode where the shadow of a hand comes behind Zac--not only can it be faked, but it CANNOT possibly or logically be real, even for something from another dimension; they are hoping we are stupid (I am stupid enough to watch, but not believe--that still means I'm stupid).

Paranormal State: Has a Christian bias, which actually makes it creepier in some cases. They seem to come across a lot of demons, but I think they only take these type of cases; conversely, Ghost Hunters never comes across demons. Is this a result of the assignments they take or their producers? These guys actually pulled of a brilliant one: I saw a clip of a figure moving through the woods that I thought was compelling, but when they showed it to a teammate, he insisted it was just fog. I found myself disagreeing with the guy because it was not fog, there was no way that was fo....ohhhhhh. Well played on the reverse psychology, boys. All in all. No real evidence, but I like their psychic, Chip Coffey(who now has his own spin-off, Psychic Kids)and Loraine Warren, an OG, creepy mainstay in the paranormal community.

The Haunted: Animal Planet's spin that is not so much about investigations, but uses the classic ghost show format of reenactments unless there happens to be some footage or EVP's available from previous investigators. They justify it's existence by having an animal tied in however loosely. It can be the ghost of an animal, an animal's reaction to a ghost, or maybe just an animal reenactor. This is for when you have seen all the other shows and need a fix.

Ghost Lab: Again, just because you have two burly men with goatees who drive around a cosmetically high-tech lab truck, it does not mean you are reliable. These guys get EVPs that are so clear it makes you wonder what the other guys are doing wrong. Well, I'll tell you: they don't have the portable lab for faking evidence. Although I did like the idea of putting out a series of EMF gauges to track ghost movement down a hallway. The more you high-five and bump chests, the less I believe you.

Paranormal Cops: Saw this once. Cops investigating the paranormal under the assumption that these manly guys are believable because they are the salt of the earth. Great Chicago accents, but not really impressive based off what I have seen. They use evidence tape, and some CSI forensics to add credibility to something that can't be proven. It seems to be a thrown-together, bandwagon, strike-while-the-iron-is-hot production just like those biker guys who save kittens. Yes, we have sunk this low as a society.

Living with Ghosts: I have only seen the commercial for this, but it looks pretty bad.

I would feel better if I didn't think they were playing us for a bunch of fools, or if I saw anything worth note that I could use to justify my addiction. But like the lowly addict that I am, the more junk they peddle on my cable box, the more I watch, even if I have to break open my TV and snort it out with a hollowed-out coax.

But since I am watching, I will say this:

1. Stop analyzing video of dust. There are no orbs, period. Do not say they are moving intelligently. Dust is one-billionth of an ounce and flies in any pattern you can imagine. It can flash and flicker, and a fart from across the room will make it do crazy things. Dust!

2. That being said, Stop analyzing farts. A friend of mine pointed out recently that most EVP's are statistically more likely to be farts and they rarely sound like words.

Here's a test. Listen to what they tell you it is saying, and see if it sound like those words. Then change it to anything you want with the same number of syllables(you will have a chance since they replay them fifty times) and see it it sounds like what you made up. Do not be as impressionable as they want you to be (or they are).

3. Just because you debunk a couple of things does not mean you are not lying to us. The producers are trying to create credibility, I know. I'm sure it works on a lot of viewers, including me at times, but I figured it out. Creating credibility does not give you the green light on painfully obvious fraud.

4. The more evidence you get, the more fancy crap you use, the less reliable the show, and the more I watch--doh!

5. The infrared camera picks up heat signatures. You constantly refer to feeling cold spots, but NEVER when you have the infrared camera (FLIR) at your disposal; however, you do pick up hot spots which you claim are ghosts--make up your mind: are ghosts hot or cold? Seriously.

6. Any face you see in a window is a distorted reflection. Being visual, social creatures, our brains are programmed for facial recognition. This is reason we see faces in rocks, or clouds, or wood grain, the same reason people see Jesus or Wayne Newton on potato chips.

7. We get it: you "did not believe in ghosts until you had a life changing experience." That experience was that you couldn't get an acting job, so now you pose as a blue-collar worker who moonlights as a paranormal investigator. I smell an Emmy.

8. Keep shoveling. I love it.

For the record, Lib is a bit ashamed at how much I know about these shows. So am I. I guess it's just the shame that comes from being an addict.